Tell you a joke: I work in the Internet

Once upon a time, there was no KPI in this world.

God said, have dogs.

So HR issued a JD: Recruiting an operation specialist, with a monthly salary of 2,000.

——Preface

On the day you received the interview notice, you put the lunch box next to your keyboard, thinking that this time, you have to change the world and show it to others.

You decided to face this interview carefully. You sent a WeChat message to a friend you met on Zhihu, saying that you have not worn a suit or shirt since you graduated from college. Are there any brands that are cheap and not worth it? Your friend said, friends, those who work in Internet companies are all stupid friends. My friend, just go to Uniqlo.

You feel very happy when you arrive at Uniqlo. You lament that the most famous attractions in Beijing are not only not only without tickets, but also with conscientious prices around . I bought a whole suit for 400 yuan! International brand! There is no deception!

When you went to the interview, you found that HR sister was very beautiful. You decided to come to work here, although she said, " because the company is still in its infancy, it may be more serious overtime, and you may have to work on Saturdays ."

The day you got the offer, you came to XX SOHO for the second time. You feel like you are here in the country's science and technology center. But your parents disagree, they don’t know what the Internet is. They told you ten years ago that you can't believe what your child has online! Ten years later, they will tell you again, "Someone in your circle of friends said..."

You are a developer

You like the cultural shirts sent by the company the most . You say that comfortable wearing is the most important thing, and you don’t have to worry about money. You also said that if you don’t dress, you are afraid that the boss will not recognize him as his employee.

The person who cares about you the most is the product manager , but you know that he cares about whether you are hungry is just to make you work overtime, and whether you are healthy is just to be afraid that you will not be able to complete the progress. He may have bought a lot of snacks and ordered takeout many times, but he has given you more needs than he does.

Every time you release a new version, you will use a single tent you bought at Decathlon . There is a plastic apple or green robot in the tent . If you only sleep for two hours a day, you have to spend five minutes praying for it, just burning high incense to offer it.

Your mother is particularly worried about your lifelong affairs and has arranged several blind dates for you. You always look down on girls who can't understand the code, think that they are brainless regardless of whether they are big or big. If you can't be interested, you always want to end up early and go home and write two more lines of code. As a result, your rudeness angered the girl and was hung on Zhihu: " My blind date is claimed to have an annual salary of 600,000 yuan, but I come to see me in the subway wearing slippers and work clothes. Have I met a romantic liar? "

You are the one who has the life to make money but not spend money. The code I wrote in one year circled the earth 28 times, and finally became a CTO and reached the peak of my life until I was thirty-six years old. I found an 18-year-old girl to fall in love, and three years later she left a large inheritance and died suddenly in the office at 4 a.m.

You are a product manager

You analyze your needs every day, draw prototypes, stay up late and write PRD, and your hair turns white.

You complain that finding technology every day is like borrowing money from usury . I will add another function to me. I will explain it this time. Don't change! I promise not to change this time!

Being a female product manager is even more troublesome. The relationship with the development brothers is really hard to maintain, and I can enjoy every development . No one saw you analyzing how many competitors have written all night long, and they would just ask you a question, "Is programmer encouragement teachers fun?" Can you really make five-digit money by acting cute every day? 』

Operations classmates come to you to ask for your needs from time to time every day. Before the new version was launched, they were busy like dogs, and they worked overtime every day with their skills. The boss likes this feature very much, and the effect is not ideal and cannot be cut casually. Today, I have not been reliable for both iOS. The credit for users is operational, and the errors of users fail to retain them are all problems with the product.

When I go to work, I hide from operations for purity, and when I go to get off work, I hide from development for my life safety. After finally returning home, your mother said you are a manager after all, how could you not find a girlfriend?

You are an operator

You go out at 9 a.m. every morning, and you are used to carrying your backpack on your chest because the subway is too fucking crowded. Take out your phone and open yesterday's article, and read 928 views. You comfort yourself: Good friend! It's about to be one thousand! One step closer to one hundred thousand plus!

After reading other people's articles in the morning, I was so flirting with my friends. I was so fucking people nowadays. The pieced together articles of low-key spiritual chicken soup and the pretentious success theory can make everyone get a collective orgasm. It's so fucking low, but fucking low. I slipped and saw the gray 100,000+. whispering sound! If I reduce my virility...

You saw others voting, sending red envelopes to increase fans quickly, and you curse for two months. Finally, the boss approved a budget of several hundred yuan, thinking that he could do an event to deceive some fans, but he was banned because of inducing the sharing account. You see others who have earned tens of millions of investments in self-media, but their salary will be deducted because they fail to meet the KPI standards.

After working in new media operations for a year, you feel like you are already an old man. Some people who are inexplicably add you on WeChat: " Put each other and make friends?" Our fans are 6,788 . While you dislike the other person who has 10,000 fewer fans than you, you are thinking about when you can find a big account to push it for yourself.

An original article a day cannot stop your heart from being bouncing all the time. In order to write a hundred thousand, you have already started to think about what possible story might happen between the young CEO and the sweeping aunt. Before you start typing, you spend hours watching the news around and the rest of the company.

There is a lot of gossip in the tea room, and you want to install a wiretap in the back of the water dispenser. The coders and new operators always wear T-shirts and jeans. The director of the next department wears suits and uniforms every day, and the boss always wears them casually. Then they all turned into Mary, Tony and appeared in your article. It doesn’t matter, the people in the company never read your official account anyway.

Another big one built an operation group. When we first entered, we were anxious to post emoticons. The notes were Shanghai-xx-operation and Beijing-xx-products. After looking at it, we were still familiar with the few. If you see someone you don’t know, hurry up and add a friend. Hello, I am the operator of xx company xxx. What if you have the opportunity to cooperate in the future?

There will be no more people talking in three days, and there are only a few people who send small advertisements to throw links. Please vote for me. I am filled with righteous indignation. Why don’t you send red envelopes when sending advertisements? Another one of them asked if there is any SMS verification code needed.

You feel so tired, you post to WeChat pills on WeChat Moments. So you said you had to live a day without WeChat and asked a few friends to meet offline. Whether it is in garage coffee or in MCA in western China, there are discussions on tens of millions of businesses. When you see old birds in big companies, you think they are great masters, and when you see young and handsome guys dressed neatly, you think they are gay. The first thing I reported when I met someone I didn’t know was to add WeChat and rush to use Alipay for payment and checkout.

You are a market

As the most enviable department of operating dogs, you can't tell what you have.

Operations always complain that leaders ask themselves to attract 5,000 users without spending a penny, and your leader will give you a budget of 500 yuan and then ask you to find 500,000 users.

In addition to begging others to provide free venues for activities, you have to do BD when the company needs BD, and you have to do sales when it needs to be sold. I have been a market dog for more than a year, but I finally figured out how much money I have to be reimbursed this month, and how many dollars it cost to pull a new one last event on average.

Only you know that your leader is not from the market and that your experience in doing the market may not be as rich as yours. The most common thing he says to you is, " We are a startup company, and we must do our best to help the company save money ."

You are an HR

Only you know, HR also has KPIs.

You collect resumes everywhere and hand them over to your leader. In order to recruit Ruby, you even asked your ex-girlfriend's brother-in-law. What? Several recruitment websites have paid tens of thousands of yuan and told me a PHP that you can't even recruit?

You sent out thousands of interview notices, and the people who come to interview will never be satisfied with the directors. You are afraid of not being able to do a job if you have too little qualifications, you are afraid of being unreliable if you have a bad background, and you are good at work and have too high salary.

I finally recruited it, but if there is any problem, you have to be responsible. The newcomer is always late because you didn’t inform him, and the newcomer’s information was not submitted because you didn’t urge him to do it. The newcomer disappeared after three days of coming. Isn’t this your fault? ? ?

After working hard, I finally got a female product manager with a good appearance and good appearance. The leader thought that her breasts were too big and she was afraid of affecting the work efficiency of programmers. It would be nice if you ask that this is too unfeministered, the leader said you can do it yourself, anyway, don't.

So for KPI, you have studied the personalities and preferences of leaders in each department and learned to list the needs like products. Yes, it's very internet.

Startup company employees

Well, let's not talk about work for now. You complain every day that you are single and laugh at yourself for not having sex. Even though he couldn't find a partner, he just said he was a celibate, and if he couldn't afford a house, he said he was DINK . If you finally get out of single, don’t look for another person who works in the Internet. When you are single, you say you are working in the Internet, but if you are single, you are still working in the Internet . However, everyone is originally working overtime, and you may still live together for six months and still only have two sex life.

The first thing I do when I get my salary every month is to repay my credit card, and takeout and ride-hailing are the highest-level members. I had bleeding gums and dry stools. I told my roommate every day that I had an offer to have a dental cleaning check, but I still had to write a plan and push it on the weekend .

Work more overtime, earn less. I thought about having beef noodles at noon. I picked up my phone and saw which Ele.me or Meituan had more discounts and who had a lower delivery fee. I clicked a lot of people and there were no red envelopes when I arrived at the settlement page. I quickly opened the O2O red envelope group on WeChat. I ordered takeaway red envelopes one by one. Hey, I got 4.2 for this one, so I quickly placed an order.

So you happily turned on Xiaoxiaole, and the headphones you bought for your mobile phone were placed in the headphones, in addition to Song Dongye, there were also people around you chattering. Who has raised money again in the project, and I have all lost money in the industry. I am such a good project investor. You hear this is the best time, and you hear this is the worst time.

Your favorite thing in the entire company is no longer a beautiful HR, because she never ignores your lateness every month when counting in. You find that the company's front desk is always very sexy. The tea room has a new meaning under your fantasy. You wanted to ask her many times, but you can't find any reason. You can't afford to go to the Workers' Sports that she often goes to in her circle of friends, and you don't think it's meaningless to go to the gym she goes to every day. She can receive a bouquet of flowers that you don’t know who gave me every now and then. You heard that her boyfriend is very rich, and you also heard that she always talks with the boss.

You turn around and look at other colleagues, and you actually know how they usually are. The operation got up at 2 o'clock in the middle of the night to chase hot spots. The developers worked overtime every day to write codes, and the product stayed up late and wrote PRD until its hair turned white. In order to recruit Ruby, HR even asked his ex-girlfriend's brother-in-law. In order to get a normal move next month, the company was able to eat boxed lunches with the decoration workers at the new address every day. At the end of the month, the finance department used eight glue sticks in the afternoon. You think the director is the easiest, but the director gave a lecture because PPT was too ugly and was scolded.

Well, at least there are still a few girls in the office to talk, and it’s quite comfortable to live alone.

Of course, let alone sex, you obviously don’t even have life.